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mekyriaIntentions are great. Ideas that bubble through your head, the excitement of creating something. And then life hits you with amazing things that deserve your full attention.
A couple of weeks ago, I bursted out crying because I forgot my dentist appointment. E. came home and found me crying behind the stove, baking pancakes and stuffing my face with delicious cinnamon and sugar coated Dutch pancakes while sobbing. Because I couldn't remember my dentist appointment. Because I was working late at my dayjob. Because I juggle four roles and I do this illusionist trick with my agenda that makes me believe that I can do everything.
I wasn't crying because I mised the opportunity to get my filling replaced. I cried because I realized that I had a ton of change in my life in the past couple of months and a lot more coming my way. I cried because I wanted it all and couldn't have it. Like a four year old in a supermarket throwing a temper tantrum, I was cursing the world for not making me perfect.
And then I realized that I love who I am and that E. loves every bit of me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. That I have friends and family that care about me, a job where I can find myself working late because it is all so fascinating. And that the only one who has unrealistic expectations of me, is myself.
So I quit. I decided that I could always finish the book at a later date. In the meantime I enjoy working my way through our garden with a chainsaw, planning our wedding and drink wine in the sun. Life is too short to beat myself up all the time. Cheers!
A couple of weeks ago, I bursted out crying because I forgot my dentist appointment. E. came home and found me crying behind the stove, baking pancakes and stuffing my face with delicious cinnamon and sugar coated Dutch pancakes while sobbing. Because I couldn't remember my dentist appointment. Because I was working late at my dayjob. Because I juggle four roles and I do this illusionist trick with my agenda that makes me believe that I can do everything.
I wasn't crying because I mised the opportunity to get my filling replaced. I cried because I realized that I had a ton of change in my life in the past couple of months and a lot more coming my way. I cried because I wanted it all and couldn't have it. Like a four year old in a supermarket throwing a temper tantrum, I was cursing the world for not making me perfect.
And then I realized that I love who I am and that E. loves every bit of me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. That I have friends and family that care about me, a job where I can find myself working late because it is all so fascinating. And that the only one who has unrealistic expectations of me, is myself.
So I quit. I decided that I could always finish the book at a later date. In the meantime I enjoy working my way through our garden with a chainsaw, planning our wedding and drink wine in the sun. Life is too short to beat myself up all the time. Cheers!
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this.
Date: 2014-05-02 03:30 pm (UTC)I'm trying to focus on what is in front of me.
you have had a lot going on so a break down was expected. from what I see you are pretty driven and one day the book might happen but what you have on your plate now is pretty great.
savor.